Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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