i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
