Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
