Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
