she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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