he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
