you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
