The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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