i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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