mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
