apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
