I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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