My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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