Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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