Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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