We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
