I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
