he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
