I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
