Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
