I just saw a hot homeless man
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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