Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
