All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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