I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
