I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
