he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
