if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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