I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
