Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
