OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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