stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
