just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
