It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
