I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
When did angry sex become our thing?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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