Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
