I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
