I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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