Who did Billy Mays play for?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
