Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
