Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
