Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
