my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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