I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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