i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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