don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i already hear my dad disowning me
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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