This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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