Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
