By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Drunk is not a location!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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