I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
