I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
