New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
